Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
