His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
