Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
