my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
