Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
