Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
