I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
