someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
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he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
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my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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