paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I made him laugh his dick is mine
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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