Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
