The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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