That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
