his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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