Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize