Already got asked if we're dating
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
