The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
