My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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