And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
