I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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