I have demons in me.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
