I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
