Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
