I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
