Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
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VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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