I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
