tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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