I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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