Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
