No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
