She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
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judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
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My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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