How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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