Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
