You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
