Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
