He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
