well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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