Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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