Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
