Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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