Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
