Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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