can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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