Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
