I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
