she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
