U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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