thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
