ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
