i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
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