i permit you to call me
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
