Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
