Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
