Can i not drive my cunt home
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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