i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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