I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
