So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
