dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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