Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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