oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
